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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Kiddie Pagents and other Ramblings

I’m starting to freak myself out.

Honestly, the thoughts in my own head are driving me certifiably insane.

Take, for instance, an issue I’ve been pondering for the last two days:

"Who, exactly, are these psycho people who put their 18-month-old toddlers in pageants, and why haven’t I ever met one...besides my mother?

I mean, I live in the South - the unofficial home of childhood pageantry. And, yet, I’ve never met a real pageant mom, except for my mom. And I most definetely would NOT consider her a pagent mom anymore. Far from it. And really, she wasn't much of one before, although I was in a couple of child pagents in my day... And won. Yes, thats a shameless plug (I should be totally ashamed of myself for even bragging about something like that.)

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**See, they actually hand out crap like this! I had trophies and ribbons somewhere, but I have no clue where they are...which just goes to show how "un-pagent-like mom" my mom is, or else she would still have this junk prominently displayed so I could relive my glory days 30 years later!

But anyhoo... pagent moms... they must exist. After all, they make entire T.V. series about these crazies.

So where are they hiding? Are they strolling by me in Nordstrom, totally blending in with the rest of us non-pageant folk? Or do they stay out of the public eye, for fear of some kind of JonBenet-like scandal?

And if I did meet one, would I have the nerve to ask them about their poor parenting choices? I mean, they seem a little scary. But, honestly, how the heck do you put your baby in a beauty pageant? Who can pick the prettiest baby of the bunch anyways? That's just cruel! Seriously, those people are freaks! But why have I never met one before out here in real life?

That, my friends, is exactly what I asked myself while I was making lunch yesterday. Over and over and over again.

Seriously. I pondered kiddie pageants for at least 20 minutes.

Granted, I didn't do so out loud - not that I know of, anyway - but I definitely pondered it extensively in my own brain.

Not that The Crazy stops there.

Oooh, boy. Not by a long shot.

You see, because I was thinking all Toddler and Tiara-esque, I then began to ponder other TLC television shows, like Cake Boss.

Which inevitably led me to wonder about how much a custom cake from one of those famous T.V. bakeries would run you.

Not that I'm in the market for a life-size cake replica of myself or my dog or a 2008Nissan.

But I'm just curious how much a to-scale cake of a town's local water tower costs a city council.

Which then led me to wonder if I'd ever have such an event in my life that warranted a to-scale replica cake of, say, my new patio furniture? No, No I have not. The closest I have come to an expensive cake was this:

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And that cake was only $425.00 which is a drop in the bucket compared to the gazillion dollars a replica of the New York skyline must cost. But I do love how cute my wedding cake was.

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**Seriously, is that not just oh so cute?

But, moving right along. When could I buy a cake from Cake Boss? Perhaps a vow renewal? A baby shower?

A birth?

A child's first birthday party?

And just like that, I was off. My toddler-less state aside, I began to plan - out loud, this time - a first birthday party for a one-year-old daughter that I don't have.

I picked out a color scheme, the perfect 1-year-old party dress, and the theme:

Cupcakes.

I decided I'd do a 1-Year-Old's Cupcake Birthday Bash. Oh, how fun would that be!

I was positively beside myself, giddy with cupcake party plans for the child I don't have.

Which then reminded me that just this past Saturday, my daughter and I had baked cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.

At the time, I proceeded to eat four cupcakes. It was, undoubtedly, the bright spot of my weekend, which then led me to fondly reminisce:

Ooooh, cream cheese frosting, I thought. That was so good. Think I can eat this lunch quickly and then head to the store and pick up another round of cupcakes from the Albertson's bakery today?

Would it make me a total fatty if I ate six this time? Heck, would it make me a total fatty if I ventured down there period?

Oh, what am I saying? Who cares if it makes me a fatty? They're cupcakes!

Which then reminded me that, cupcakes aside, we had no clean cups because no one had ran the dishwasher yet today.

Ahh, yes, the dishwasher. My favorite household appliance.

Dishwasher's are God's gift to the American wife, and I can't have it any other way. Anything less is unacceptable. I will never serve time behind a sink of soapy water. I will always have a dishwasher for my kids to load! Heaven forbid this one breaks! They'd be lost! I thought.

And then I was off all the more, worrying about the dishwasher breaking, which would be almost as bad as the AC breaking, I told myself, which in this 106-degree humidity would be downright inhumane.

So, with fear in my heart, I pondered the state of our air conditioner, wondering when hubs needed to change out the filter and considering if I should remind him to go buy a filter, just in case, or maybe I should get one when I go to the store to buy cupcakes, which reminded me that I had no idea what filter to buy, which made me want to call my husband, which I did, until I heard his phone ring in the other room, which means he'd left his phone at home, which is one of my huge pet peeves, and made me almost unplug the Crock-pot chicken I was cooking for his dinner, out of spite, but then I didn't, because then I realized I'd be punishing not only him but myself, since it was dinner for the kids, too, which means I'd have to think of better ways than starvation to communicate to the hubs how much it annoys me when he doesn't have his phone on him.

Which stumped me. And, being thus stumped, I stopped thinking aloud and realized how tired I was.

Then, I remembered that I had been planning to take a little nap and hadn't done so yet.

Which meant my to-do list was incomplete. Which bugs me more than anything.

Which meant I needed to go to sleep pronto.

So, high-tailing it into our bedroom, I lay down and began to think about how much I love my bed and my pillow, and wondered if someone in the world had actually invented The Pillow, or if it was just natural instinct to prop one's head up on something soft when sleeping, which meant that, most likely, companies like Bed, Bath, & Beyond are simply making money off natural human sleep instinct, which is just so like a big, American corporation, taking advantage of the little guy who just wants a nice nap...

***

At this point, I think I dozed off. I can't be sure. I got so hot about "The Man," formerly known as Bed, Bath & Beyond, that I actually had to turn on my bedside radio to drown out the thoughts in my own head.

So, are you scared yet?

Ready to call the authorities and have me committed?

Worried about the safety of my husband and kids?

I can't say I blame you. The way I prattle on in my own thoughts freaks even me out.

Which is exactly why I'm always afraid to do a stream-of-consciousness post, because, honestly, I'm all over the place with my thoughts, and, if let loose via the World Wide Web, I worry that at some point this obsession I have with thought tangents and erratic, ADD-like thought patterns will come back to bite me in the butt, which reminds me....

***

1 comments:

Lynn said...

Butterfly!
NO
Squirrel!
NO
Prada!
NO
Sparkle!
NO
MMMMMMMM Cupcakes! DOH!!