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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Let Me Sell Your House!

My neighbor has been trying to sell her house for almost a year. We're all a little perplexed why it's not moving: it's less than 10 years old, brick (and not just on the front, but on all four sides - wow!), is fancy (the master bathroom has a garden bathtub!), is in a crappy school district (although Temple Christian and Nolan are a hop, skip and a jump away) it doesn't back up to nightclub or freeway off ramp (always a concern, in my opinion), and is priced right.

To add to our confusion, over the past couple of months, several other homes in our neighborhood have been put on the market, many priced higher and with far fewer features. One house that backed up to the food court at the mall just sold last week.

After pressing her realtor for some insight as to why her house isn't selling, she received the bad news that her house has, as several prospective buyers put it, "bad feng shui."

Immediately after hanging up with her realtor, she came over, distraught and looking for advice from yours truly. Although I am one of the smartest people on earth, I was forced to admit that I was not exactly sure what bad feng shui was, though I suspected that it had something to do with the gigantic picture of Jesus hanging in her foyer.... on the cross, looking miserable, no less.

After consulting the Internet and an old psychology book I still have from college, I suggested that we replace the picture of Christ with a picture of her holding a giant cardboard check from the Texas lotto made out for 23 million dollars.

"But I didn't win the lottery," she said, confused. I told her that according to Lupe Soto, an Antelope Valley, CA realtor who appears to have plagiarized an article by Kathryn Weber, all houses have histories and that the fortunes, good or bad, of the previous owners have the potential to be passed down to the new owners.

"That strikes me as slightly dishonest," she said.

While I did not succeed in getting her to let me hang a photo of a fake check on her wall, I did talk her into moving the picture of Christ to a less conspicuous place in the family room, where He wouldn't disrupt the equilibrium of the elements.

"What if we display some wedding photographs here?" I suggested, pointing to the bare entryway wall. "Marriage is a sign of prosperity," I added.


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For example, look at my foyer, I have a pic of hubs and I looking happy in all our wedded-bliss-ness and people are always telling me I have a beautiful house and they love it. Maybe I'm on to something here!

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(Or it could be my candles, floral pic and the little sign Jerm's dad made us for a wedding present, that does the trick in the foyer... who knows)

However, it was quickly apparent that she was not too keen on this idea, either.

"I was 20 lbs heavier on my wedding day." She stated with a look of disgust on her face.

"I'm not doing it. Nope. Huh-ugh." And with that, she crossed her arms in front of her chest and shook her head.

I figured drastic times called for drastic measures. So, I took matters into my own hands and downloaded some color pictures of beaming brides and grooms from an online bridal magazine.

"Wa la!" I said, cutting out the pictures and shoving them into gilded frames.

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I have no idea who these people are, but they look fabulous and hey, if they bring good luck, I'm all for it!

I was very pleased with my creativity and quick thinking. My neighbor, not so much.

"I don't know how I feel about this," she said. "I'm going to have to think about it for a few days."


In the end, she decided not to pass off a stranger's wedding pictures as her own. Although, just having the pictures in the house (they were shoved into the kitchen knife drawer) must have done something to alter the house's feng shui because the next afternoon, they got an offer. Granted, it was $8,000 lower than her asking price, but still, it was an offer.

I'm thinking about quitting this blog and becoming a feng shui realtor. I'm just that talented.

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