Dear Drug Pusher,

Well, hello there, my ever increasing and oh-so incorrigible e-mailing friends.

My name is Rachael. I'm a wife and mother. I have, in my 34 years 28 years of life, worked in the following fields: Child Protective Services, Arlington Police Dept & my fathers law firm. But you probably already know that, as you seem to enjoy sending me multiple e-mails a day, expressly to my personal e-mail account, although you have been known in the past, to visit me at any one of those above referenced work emails, as well.

You know the ones: The email accounts I used over the years for e-mailing social workers, parents of children in foster care, defense attorneys, and a random clerk or two of semi-important judges, my mother, my mother-in-law, hubs sick grandma....

Normally, my inbox is a place where I go to type off quick responses to those I love, or to read a borderline inappropriate joke, or to retrieve one of the million passwords I have forgotten for any number of social networking sites I log into.

I'm used to receiving subject lines like, "Your Wells Fargo online statement is ready for viewing" or "Hey, Rachael, I tried to call you, but you never answer." or "Greetings from Liberty University, would you like to donate to our chapel building fund?" (Gotta love the alma mater if you went to a Baptist University.)

Occasionally, when things get really wild, I might receive "Rachael, this is your mother. I saw what you uploaded to myspace. I hope your grandfather never sees this. You need to call me."

Frankly, I like it. I like the predictability, the comfort, and the simplicity, even, of signing on and seeing e-mails addressing my bank account or the reminder that I graduated from college or that I make poor choices that disappoint my mother on a regular basis.

But now, you - yes, you, you Internet Drug Pushers - you've gone and done it. You've hacked into the system and spammed an innocent mothers yahoo account. You are the reason I have 11,131 unread messages in my inbox.

And now, right next to "You have two new friend requests on facebook" I'm getting e-mails boasting about "Magic Pills for Men Like You."

And right above "Sameenah Hayes is registered at Target" lies "Order Vicodin Now! No Prescription Necessary."

Do I look like I know someone named Adena Fata? No, No I do not.

Look, it's not like I don't get a good chuckle out of seeing "Enlarge It" right below an e-mail labeled "This is your Prayer Angel, Pass along for good luck" from my mother-in-law. I'm human, after all. It's funny enough that you think this 30-something FEMALE is a candidate at all for a pen*le implant. Or that you attempt to sell me stimulants, laxatives, depressants, pain meds and herbal relaxants - all without a prescription. But when my inbox dings and an e-mail pops up labeled "Are you tired of being sexually unsatisfied? Order this to feel better." I start to get worried. When the ding also alerts my 10 year old little boy (who is reading pretty darn good these days) I get really unhappy.

And when sweet little Mikey reads aloud, "'Little Blue Pill to enhance your life? What is that, mommy?" I get downright furious. Because, yes, this is my e-mail account and I check it in the comfort of my living room. So yes, I see your e-mail labeled "***^^^^^^^^ V1agra^^^^****" and sometimes I have kids in the room

But know that I promptly delete it because a.) I'm not exactly about to buy a sex drug at all, let alone during daytime hours from my personal computer, and b.) I find your use of astericks and suspension points excessive and, frankly, grammatically unnecessary.

So, please, for the love of all things holy and appropriate, stop trying to sell me drugs over the Internet. Via my personal e-mail address. In front of my own children. Illegally. Because I'm not buying it. Or, rather, them. You can take those little blue pills and put them where the sun don't shine. Far, far away from my babies innocent eyes. In the place where all grammatically incorrect spam e-mails go to die.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

rAchell Fishr