I'm Having a Carrie Bradshaw Moment

For some time now I have been observing the behavior of certain women around me. Well, let me clarify, these aren't women I choose to associate with, but are women on the peripheral vision of my life. The ones that I hear about indirectly because they continue to do things that are so ridiculously stupid that people can't help but talk about them in wonder and awe. The actions of these women make me continue to ask myself this question: Are men really that difficult to figure out? Do things really have to be so "fuzzy gray" for some women when it is so black and white to everyone else around them? As an observer, I have reached some conclusions....

If a man wants to talk to you, he will call you.

If your "boyfriend" has to step outside/leave the room/hide in the closet to talk on the phone when you are around, then he is talking to another woman who probably considers him her "boyfriend", too.

It doesn't take a man a year of sleeping with you and renting pay per view movies to figure out if he wants to marry you. You're either marriage material or your not and he typically knows this by the third date.

If he rents himself an action packed pay per view movie and you just happen to show up at his house and watch it with him.... don't consider that a "date".

You don't have to call a man first thing every morning to remind him that you exist. He didn't catch amnesia since your last call 5 hours ago.

If the man you "shacked up" with 6 years ago (that you just can't seem to get over) marries someone that isn't you, you are not (nor were you ever) his "soul mate" and all the poetry and sappy love songs in the world (that you write/listen too/ find hidden meanings in) won't change that.

If he marries someone that isn't you, quit calling him. If he wanted to spend the next 10 years talking to you, he would have married you, not someone else.

If you continue to call him after he marries someone that isn't you, expect to be labeled a stalker/psycho/insecure/unstable/pathetic loser for as long as your phone calls last and probably for an unforeseeable time into the future.

Having his baby will not make him marry you. Having two of his babies, certainly won't.

Pretending your baby is his even though you are married to another man will not make him want you but will, without a doubt, convince him that he doesn't.

Sleeping with him while you are married to someone else will not make him want you.

Leaving post it notes on his door telling him you no longer want him defeats the purpose.

Writing another man a love note when you are married to someone else is not cool.

Writing poetry about the unrequited love you have for a married man is disturbing and you should never do it under any circumstances. Ever.

If you show up somewhere hoping the man you are stalking (or his ex wife) will see you, make sure the man you take along to hang all over (for the jealousy factor) doesn't hook up with another girl 10 minutes after you leave. (OK, just had to throw that in there because I actually witnessed this happen not long ago. I'm still enjoying at a loss for words over that one.)

If you think I am refering to you in this blog, you are probably right, but don't claim "someone randomly sent me a link to Rachael's blog and guess what she said" because we both know you checked my facebook (as usual) saw the link and followed it cause you are a creepy stalker.

To sum it all up...

If he's feeding you dog food, don't try to convince yourself (and everyone around you) that he's serving you steak.